


you said forever

by shindouchrono



Category: IDOLiSH7 (Video Game)
Genre: Angst without a happy ending, Character Study, Gen, Vague part four spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-25
Updated: 2019-05-25
Packaged: 2020-03-17 04:16:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18957685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shindouchrono/pseuds/shindouchrono
Summary: Riku just needed someone to blame.





	you said forever

Riku stands in the hallway, teetering between the entrance to his own room, and the unoccupied room right next to it. It suddenly hits him--there's no one left in that room now. It's empty.

He can feel his legs threaten to collapse under him and he dashes to his room, face first on his bed, eager to forget the heart-wrenching feeling. Trying to untangle his thoughts was like swimming through tar. It was hard to breathe and he couldn't think. He didn't want to.

He wanted someone to blame. Who? Tenn-nii? Their parents? The man who took his precious Tenn-nii away? Riku himself? Perhaps, even God? 

He  _ needed _ someone to blame more than he needed to breathe. It was suffocating and Riku absolutely despised it all. He hated it. He hated everything. He hated everyone.

He hates that man. He hates himself. He hates his parents. He hates Tenn-nii more than anyone else. But then he remembers the empty room and he crumbles and shatters into a million pieces.

Riku's vision gets fuzzy with tears as he reaches for his inhaler, stuck between painful feelings and the horrifying inability to breathe. 

Why?

Tenn-nii said they'd always be together. They were twins, after all! Weren't they meant to always stay together? Weren't they meant to always love each other? Wasn't there some invisible rule preventing Tenn-nii from leaving, a rule so powerful he could come back? 

Was that a lie? Was Tenn-nii saying they'd be together forever--was that a lie? Did he not know the truth?

Riku doesn't know but he knows he wants to stop thinking about this because it hurts, and the tears are starting to burn his eyes. He wants to stop crying and he wants to forget it all.

A disgusting and abhorrent part of him wishes Tenn-nii had never existed at all. Because then he'd never leave. Riku wouldn't need to feel the pain of their separation.

Why? 

Why did he leave? Why wasn't he here? Why was the bedroom next to Riku's empty? Why was there an empty spot at the dinner table and why was there no one to watch reruns of MagiKona with when Riku was too ill to even move from his bed? 

Why was he alone?

Was it his fault? For being sick? 

Tenn-nii wasn't that sort of person. Riku knew that. But Riku thought he knew his Tenn-nii, but that same precious sibling who the redhead believed would never, ever leave, was gone now.

So maybe he didn't know Tenn-nii as well as he thought he did.

But Tenn-nii was kind, caring and gentle. He somehow always knew what to say or do. His hands stroking through Riku's hair when he'd just had an attack were more loving than their mother's embrace.

Maybe it was all a bad dream. It's been years now, but maybe it's a very long nightmare and Riku will wake up to Tenn-nii shaking him and scolding him for oversleeping. That could be true.

Riku knew it wasn't. He wishes the fairytales he read were true. Wasn't Tenn-nii his prince? Weren't princes always meant to be there, to save the day? 

If that was the case, then why was that bedroom empty? Who did the vacant space in Riku's heart belong to, now? The Tenn-nii that Riku thought he knew?

The Tenn-nii that left Riku?

Which was real?

Riku realizes how bad he is at making the hot drink Tenn-nii would always make. Somehow he'd screw up even the most basic instructions. It'd be too powdery and Riku would choke and wheeze. It'd be too thick with honey and he would gag at the texture.

Why wasn't Tenn-nii there to teach him?

Riku can't bring himself to open the door. He doesn't want to disturb Tenn-nii's room. If he did, maybe Tenn-nii would never come back.

But he does it anyway and feels his chest tighten and his throat turn to cotton. It smells like Tenn-nii. It's like he was just here, seconds ago. Like he went to the bathroom, or to check the mail, or take the garbage out, but he'd be back in a few minutes. No more, no less.

Why wasn't he coming back?

Riku sits on the ground, back against the bed. He pulls his knees up to his chest and lets the tears flow freely. Maybe Tenn-nii could sense he was crying, and then he'd come back. Maybe he could come back to scold Riku for entering his room without asking, even though they both knew he didn't care. He liked Riku's presence there, right?

Right?

Riku doesn't understand it. The closet is still full. Even the laundry basket has several articles of clothing in it, because no one dared touch it. None of those clothes would fit Riku now, anyways. And Tenn-nii wasn't coming back to get them, so maybe they didn't fit him either.

Riku didn't know, and that hurt.

Why couldn't this all just be a bad dream? Was fate really so cruel?

* * *

 

Riku finds himself hating his reflection. They weren't identical twins, but they looked too alike. Maybe if Riku took a photo of himself in black and white, and then flipped it and edited it, maybe, just maybe, he could pretend Tenn-nii was there, too. He could do the soft half-smile Tenn-nii always flashes in family photos, but Riku didn't know how to recreate his loving gaze. 

His reflection makes him sick, sometimes. Why was it Riku in the mirror, and not Tenn-nii? The blame shifts back and forth from his twin to himself to his twin and then back to himself, and then himself again.

But it was easier to blame someone you couldn't see or talk to. It was easier to be angry at someone without looking into their eyes, or seeing their body language, hearing their voice… being angry at Tenn-nii and blaming him was easy. It was so easy it became second nature. 

Even when his parents scolded him for saying such a thing. But they didn't explain it any further. All they did was reprimand Riku. Didn't that mean he was right, and it was Tenn-nii's fault?

They wouldn't hide anything from him especially about something important as this, and Riku felt secure in this fact.

If he ignored the guilt of blaming Tenn-nii, Riku's days were lighter. He could stomach doing homework without help from Tenn-nii. He learned to avoid eye contact with the empty bedroom. 

* * *

Riku stares up the ceiling and realizes he wishes he were dead. How could he hate Tenn-nii?

But, Tenn-nii abandoned him. Tenn-nii abandoned their whole family.

Riku had come to a new conclusion. It must have been his fault. He was too much of a burden on Tenn-nii, and Tenn-nii decided that anything was better than that.

This was easier to handle. He didn't need to hate Tenn-nii. And Riku already hated himself. He'd already lost what was most important to him. There wasn't anything to lose in blaming himself.

* * *

When Riku is told the truth, it's like a storm. Everything crumbles around him. Buildings collapse. Lives are lost.

But then the rain stops. There's no wind. Just silence. Just acceptance. 

Part of him felt happy. Tenn-nii was good after all. Those times Riku had hated him for leaving were all wrong. Tenn-nii did it to protect Riku. To help him. He didn't leave because he hated Riku. 

Tenn left because he  _ loved  _ Riku.

Self hatred gnaws at Riku when he realizes this. Because he wanted to blame someone. He needed to blame someone. The blame had shifted. The true culprit had been revealed.

A mirror swivels towards Riku and he stares at his reflection. He blinks, and it follows. He slumps his shoulders, it follows. He cries, and it follows. How could he let himself feel so much pain when this is what he deserved? 

It was all his fault. All of it. Tenn-nii sacrificed everything he had. Everything he was. Everything he loved. And Riku knew he didn't want anything in return.

That's what made Tenn-nii so perfect. The ideal hero. 

Riku couldn't hate him. Riku could never, ever _truly_ hate his beloved Tenn-nii.

He just needed someone to blame.

**Author's Note:**

> its 3am and i cant sleep
> 
> feel free to kudo, comment, or hmu on twit @shindouchrono. thanks for reading


End file.
